<% 'response.end season = Request.QueryString("season") If season = "" Then season = "2" season = CInt(season) %> <%If season = 1 Then%> <%ElseIf season = 5 Then%> <%Else%> <%End If%> <%If season = 1 Then%> Clown Punchers <%Else%> Sac Lunch <%End If%> <% ' strConn = "PROVIDER=MSDASQL; Driver={SQL Server}; Server=localhost; Database=CP; UID=jais; PWD=jais;" ' dim Rs ' Set Rs = Server.CreateObject("ADODB.Recordset") ' sql = "getStats" ' Rs.Open Sql, strConn, 3, 3 %> <%If Request.QueryString("pid") = "7" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "6" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "2" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "8" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "5" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "1" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "4" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "10" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "11" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "12" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "15" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "9" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "3" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "16" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "20" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "38" Then%> <%ElseIf Request.QueryString("pid") = "19" Then%> <%End If%>
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Joe Q, Detroit 155 Local
Team Photo, 1982



Joe Q, The Clown Punchers,
2006

Joseph Adrian Querio, aka "Joseph Adrian Querio"
Positions: RF, DH, C
Bats: R

The nights are most grueling. This is when I'm left to my dank, cold enclosure, reliving the day's events of my training regiment. The badgering voices of my tormentors echo throughout my skull endlessly. "Putrid swine! Your stench defiles the very air of the great Tsangpo! Why not jump from the highest precipice and relieve us of your failures!" I know these insults are for my betterment, but I'm beginning to feel my mind unhinge. The world turns on edge and I feel the dark places of my mind peer from shadow. My only salvation is in the improvement of my swing..Once awkward and inconsistent it's become graceful and without flaw. Though I grow concerned. Why do the Tsangpo Monks still push me to maddening limits? I've come so far with their tutelage. Is it my aura... my essence that displeases them? I still struggle with passion for greatness. Perhaps in this they find disappointment. My outbursts are still frequent and allow my focus to sway. Why even at this morning's early session, with the bamboo bat and Yak balls, I allowed my balance to waiver. This exercise is always difficult for me. It's designed strictly for contact with no reward of distance, power, or ball placement. Due to the fact that the balls on the Yak are still attached to the underside of the poor creature itself. I became so enraged with not rolling my wrist when I struck the aforementioned genitals, that I sodomized the Himalayan mammal with my striking stick. The Monks became extremely dis-pleased with this act of aggression and banished me to the video conference cave at the far end of the encampment. Here I was force to relive my past season's embarrassments on the large granite screen, normally used to watch Tibetenese woman perform fellatio on Bangladesh mountain goats. I am breaking! I must get a grip! I must channel my anger to strength if I'm to help contribute to my Sac Lunch companions. I've come to mysterious Shangri-la and its monks for its guidance. I will not fail my fellow teammates with destructive outbursts. I will become one with the spirits of this Yarlung Tsangpo Canyon and leave this place a better softball man.

- Joseph Adrian Querio
Sometime in November 2007

Editor's Note: This excerpt was found in a raid near Basra, in the south governorate or province of Al Basrah, Iraq. British military quickly relayed the lone weather torn page to the U.N., who promptly expedited it to Sac Lunch manager, Corey Fields. Manager Fields released the following statement to the "Liberty Times" on Thursday, April the 18 2008. " I was very relieved to receive some news that Joseph Querio had indeed vanished for the greater good of his team. As some of you already know, Mr. Querio, disappeared early last autumn, following the end of Liberty's summer session. Some feared the worst and believed he departed for the sunny shores of southern California. I myself never believed this to be true. Now with this artifact being found, we can all put the rumors to rest. I believe that Mr. Querio is making his return from somewhere deep in east Asia and his spot has been saved on my roster. I can only hope that this experience has helped him. Because this year.... there's no horseshit! You follow me? Absolutely none... okay? If he can't hit the ball, he can't help me... can't help this team win the big one. That's what it's about this season. No horseshit. Win or enjoy the farm club. He can line out all year in Toledo. So, I hope this monk voodoo shit works."

Teams
2002 Kemp Klien/Co-ed
2003 The Fetts aka The Mesh Back Trucker Hats/Co-ed
2004 Beaver Tacos/Co-ed
2005 Beaver Tacos/Co-ed
2006 Clown Punchers/Men's E






Eric Torres aka "Totem Pole", aka "Tico", aka "Big Unit", aka "Cat"
Positions: 3B, P
Bats: SH

Torres was a jazz fan as a youth and studied music with Joe Morello. Before joining Bon Jovi in 1983 he had already played live and in the studio with Frankie and the Knockouts, Pat Benatar, Chuck Berry, Cher, Alice Cooper and Stevie Nicks; recording a total of 26 albums with these artists

Tico met Alec John Such while playing with a band called Phantom's Opera and it was this friendship which led to him joining Bon Jovi. When Jon Bon Jovi, the lead singer of the band approached Torres, he was put off by the fact Jon was 9 years younger than him. Regardless of this he said it was Jon's charismatic appearance and watching Jon perform that attracted him to join the band.

Known as "The Hitman" Tico discovered another talent: painting. He has exhibited his art since 1994. The successful first show was at the Ambassador Galleries in Soho, New York. Tico is a self-taught painter, who paints expressive pictures which show scenes from everyday life and the life with the band.

He also owns a fashion line for babies called Rock Star Baby. Beside baby clothing, Rock Star Baby also produces learning methods and cartoons.

Tico and his first wife divorced soon after the formation of Bon Jovi in 1983. In 1996, Torres married Czech born model Eva Herzigova in Sea Bright, New Jersey. The ceremony was attended by their closest friends and family including Donald Trump and the members of Bon Jovi. The band serenaded Eva and her husband with hit single "Always" during the dance. Unfortunately, their marriage ended two years later. Tico married Maria Alejandra in September 2001, his third marriage.


Teams
2003 The Fetts aka The Mesh Back Trucker Hats/Co-ed - stas N/A
2004 Beaver Tacos/Co-ed
2005 Beaver Tacos/Co-ed
2006 Clown Punchers/Men's E
Barry McGough
Positions: RCF
Bats: R

This literally colorful speedster had an impressive rookie season in 2005, hitting for power, reeking havoc on the base pads and patrolling the outfield with aggressive confidence. Only time will tell if he can continue this stellar production... sophomore slump be damned.

Teams
2005 Beaver Tacos/Co-ed
2006 Clown Punchers/Men's E
Paul Yerman
Positions: C
Bats: R

Little is known of this "whale's vagina" giant, a SoCal transplant emerging quickly in the competitive leagues of Michigan’s softball elite. Has a powerful swing and intimidating facade. Alcohol fuels this mysterious massive machine, while women faint and men recoil in the frigid depths of his cyclopean shadow.

Manager Joseph Querio is sure to win Manager Of The Year with the impressive signing of Paul Yerman.

Teams
2006 Clown Punchers/Men's E




Corey - Manager
Position: Pitcher
Bats: L
Throws: L

As one of the most controversial players to ever step foot inside Liberty Park, Corey knows all too well the pressures of fame. During the 2007 season he lost his cool so many times his own players began questioning his emotional stability. In 2008, Corey aims to put the past behind him and begin a unique transformation. Working during the offseason with notorious Cleveland-area fitness coach and "life manager" Frank Marinara he was put through a rigorous offseason training regimen, which not only included workouts, but also yoga and zen breathing exercises. Marinara hoped to expel this hothead pitcher's demons by actively confronting them - a tactic that he has used often in his 30-year career in managing troubled athletes. Only time will tell if it will work...

While Corey's critics have leveled numerous jabs at him, he remains one of the most consistent hitters to ever don a Sac Lunch uniform. In 2007, he overcame several slumps to smash the single-season batting average record, en route to his first batting title (for Nut Brunch). He leads the team in Runs Scored, Singles, Doubles, Hits, and Batting Average among regulars, and shows no signs of slowing down. But all of this does not come without a price. His many downsides include his infuriating tendency to ignore base coaches, putting his team in jeopardy by succumbing to mental breakdowns, taunting umpires, taunting opposing batters... the list goes on and on. Since Corey himself recognizes that his team would be better off if his own performance weren't so tied to his fragile emotional state, he has repeatedly sought counseling from his mentor, Eric "Tico" Torres - whose notoriously calm demeanor earned him the nickname "The Ice Man" in 2006.

Teams
2002 True-Fab Warriors - Men's
2005 The MasterBatters - Co-Ed
2006 Clown Punchers- Men's E
2006 Sac Lunch - Men's E
2007 Sac Lunch - Men's E
2008 Sac Lunch - Men's E


Aaron Melton
Positions: LF, LC
Bats: R
Throws: R

Aaron is a relentlessly self-improving spray hitter from Novi with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. His mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. Aaron will womanize, he will drink. He will make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he will accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. His childhood was typical. Summers in Lake Orion, luge lessons. In the spring he'd make meat helmets. When he was impatient at the plate he was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve he received his first bat. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved his testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- he highly suggests you try it.

Teams
2004 Beaver Tacos
2005 Beaver Tacos
2006 Clown Punchers- Men's E
Chris Shrader
Position: Utility
Bats: R
Throws: R

Growing up life was tough for Chris, as he was the victim of suburban sprawl. The small town of Novi, which he grew to love, was now nothing more than strip malls and subdivisions. With no where to go he decided to run, and many have speculated that this was the day that his natural born speed was discovered. Addicted to running from the "sprawl," Chris ran track and cross country. However, a sour relationship with his coach took away the addiction or solution to alleviating the "sprawl syndrome." He turned to drugs and alcohol to wash away the pain, and rode the bus all the way to Margaritaville. After many years of being lost on an island, he found a little game called "whiffle ball." The heated whiff battles led to the softball diamonds, where Chris found a new love. The ability to run the bases as free as a bird and to roam the vast open grasses of the outfield allowed Chris to discover himself.

Now a 3rd year softball player he looks to shake off the cobwebs of the sophomore slump and take his game to new levels. He is hoping to help power the Sac all the way to the top and obtain a golden eagle. With his lethal combination of speed and versatility, the sky is the limit for this young prospect. Only self doubt and fear of the "sprawl," taking his diamonds can hold this kid back.

Teams
2005 - Beaver Tacos - Coed Minor
2006 - Clown Punchers - Men's
2006 - Gatsbys - Coed
2006 - Sac Lunch - Men's
2006 - Cougar - Men's
2007 - Sac Lunch - Men's
2007 - Gatsby's - Coed
Ty Travis
Position: 2B
Bats: R

This enigmatic infielder has reemerged from the ashes of softball obscurity, re-establishing himself as one of the premier sluggers and second basemen of the now infamous “Clown Punchers”. His knowledge of pitches and instincts for reading the gaps are unflawed.

But parents beware. Hide little Johnny and Suzy, or rather your favorite family cat. Ty may not be cut from the cloth of your ideal role model.

Plagued by a troubled past of sex, sex and... sex. Mr. Travis -or "55967" as he was more commonly known in the humid confines of the Alpena Correctional Facilities for the Criminally Insane- Served 7 years for the charges of: Indecently exposing himself and the unlawful fondling (or bad touch, as told in Alan Diggory’s best selling novel: Daddy Why?) upon a troubled Novi feline. Mr. Travis to this day still claims his innocence, despite a number of alarming sightings of an elusive “Sphinx” in the farmlands of Milford.

Guilty or innocent, Ty has found a home on Sunday evenings with a group of frightened men that do not want to be left unsupervised in his presence.

Teams
2005 - Beaver Tacos
2006 - Clown Punchers - Men's


Boof
Positions: LCF, SS
Bats: R

Also known as "crazy legs" for his roadrunner-like speed and freakishly skinny left leg, this gunslinger has played every position at some point, but you will usually find him digging in at SS. Though blessed with a hand-cannon for a right arm, there have been games where he is just as likely to hit the beer vendor as he is the first baseman. The Boof hasn't been seen on a baseball diamond since the old glory days of Mighty Mighty Boofs Team, so it remains to be seen whether this skinny bastard can shake off the rust and return to form.

2006 - Clown Punchers - Men's
Brandon
Position: RF, DH
Bats: R

2006 - Clown Punchers - Men's
Mark
Position: LCF, DH
Bats: R

2006 - Clown Punchers - Men's
Ryan
Position: RF, C
Bats: R

2006 - Clown Punchers - Men's


Brad
Position: 1B, DH
Bats: R

2006 - Clown Punchers - Men's
1992 - Mighty Mighty Boof's Team




Tom "Goo" McGough
Position: SS, 2B
Bats: R
Throws: R

Tom has always followed in his brother’s foot steps since an early age. And then, once again, at the end of the 2006 softball year, with no other options, Barry asks him to step up and give the big league a try. After just one season under his belt, Tom has become a fan attraction. At least once a game, while running for the ball, the kryptonite falls out of his pocket and he takes flight.

Teams
1982 Team Name Unknown - T-Ball U-6
2006 - Sac Lunch - Men's

Matt LeFevre
Position: ?
Bats: R
Ht.: 6'6"
Wt.: 220lbs.
Born: 10/07/1975
Eyes: Green
Hair: Brown
Tattoos: Cock (Left Foot), Meat Tag (Right Rib Cage), E.G.A. (Left Shoulder)
Scars: Chicken pox (forehead), Small Line (forehead), Line (left ring finger palm Side), U shape (right middle finger back side), Several small marks (left and right knuckles)

Born in the softball hotbed of Rochester Michigan, his father tied his right hand behind his back for the first 7 years of his life, to no effect Matt was clearly right handed and this only served to delay his athletic development. Perhaps in response he turned to contact sports that would involve little more skill than running into people (football and rugby). While serving in the Marine Corps he played one softball season as a left fielder with The Prospects...which were winless. He began feeling the pull of the large white balls (softball) again in the early part of the century and put together a mens team at the now defunct Suburban Softball. That first team went winless (Pos. - left center). Subsequently he put together a co-ed team...which was also winless (Pos. - Pitcher). Playing for the first time with Corey in Southfiled (Pos. - 3rd Base)that team also did not win. While subbing for mens E league Tommy Mac at Liberty he participated in his first sanctioned softball win (Pos. - Right field)...a year ago. This spring season with the co-ed team Lefevre he had a streak of wins (3) but finished tied for 9th (Pos. - Pitcher). Also with the co-ed team The T-Ball Rejects currently playing Friday nights at Liberty the team is undefeated (2 - 0) (Pos. - Left Field). Amoung the highlights of his career are hitting for the cycle last spring while subbing for a mens E league team. He is available for autographs every first game of the month, tutorials by appointment, and has never been known to turn down a beer.

Justin "Gravy" Ferraro
Position: All
T/B: R/R


After being ineligible to play recreation sports at the age of 9 and a lifetime ban of playing “real sports” for testing positive for HGH, Gravy found himself back on the diamond, playing a girls game, with a group of ball players that accepted him for what he can do, not what he did.

“I thought it was just muscle ache cream” said Justin, quoted from a clipping in 1990.

You could regularly find Justin up at Liberty almost as much as those “DO” softball guys. Sporting his unforgettable baseball pants, (team no-no), scouting players and playing for the 6 teams he ran and managed. This year, at the elder age of 31, Justin has taken a break to just focus on being the best for his Sac Lunch brethren.

For 3 years, he has worn the Sac Lunch jersey with PRIDE! He was brought to the team mid-season of 2011 because of an injury and has made the opening day roster every year after that. TEAMS:

2004: Christy Glass Rockets

2009: Post Bar Novi, Peashooters, Niners, Rehab, Calvin and Company

2010: Post Bar Novi, Peashooters, Rehab

2011: Post Bar Novi, Peashooters, Vivio’s Warren, F-Bombs, Sac Lunch

2012: Mixx Sports, Rogers Roost, Sac Lunch

2013: Sac Lunch


Tony
Position: RF
Bats: R